The above quote was stated in reference to a tipsy nail polish bottle that almost fell over, and was rescued with these words, deadpan, by possibly the most accidentally-hilarious resident that I take care of.
Addie* is a delightful conundrum. Quite religious, she sometimes takes to praying at random moments. For example, when I offer her a tube of lipstick to freshen up before going out of her room for Social, she looks at me quite seriously and says, “Let me pray to see if God thinks I should put on this lipstick.” She then proceeds to whisper “God, should I let this nice young lady help me put on some lipstick before we go out together?” (Some mumbling follow, a response from God, I imagine…) And then, “Yes. I will put on some lipstick,” she says simply with a peaceful look on her face. And while I usually enjoy being privy to these pleasant interactions with God, Addie is also quite slow at getting ready…for just about anything. Applying lipstick: 2 minutes. Washing & drying her hands = 5 minutes. Brushing her teeth: 15-20 minutes, depending on the circumstances of her last meal. Not only can it be tedious to watch her get ready (she is a fall risk, so we can’t leave her alone) but I also must plan ahead so that I have time to assist Addie, while still being able to help all my other residents in a timely manner. In the beginning, this was frustrating to me. But now, we have established a routine, and I enjoy my time spent with Addie enormously.
I imagine that I will write about Miss Addie quite often, given her propensity for creating fabulous story fodder, so I wanted to start painting a picture for you by giving you this background.
Addie is one of the most well-dressed women of all the residents that I work with. She enjoys looking pretty and well-kept (cleanliness is next to godliness, right?) and her ensembles are always perfectly matched with appropriate earrings, bracelets and necklace. She is quite adorable. When I first met her, she watched an evangelical preacher on TV, but I realized that it was making her want to give all her money to “God” so I helped her find another channel to watch that was a little less demanding on her pocketbook. Soon, we discovered America’s Funniest Home Videos and now there are times when I walk in the door to see a few perfectly formed tears of mirth falling delicately down her cheeks. She reaches out for my hands and says, “Watch this little boy…he’s going to fall down now.” And she cracks up. Hilarious.
I’ll end on one last Addie quote for the day. After I finished polishing Addie’s nails (on the same day that she came up with the fabulous quote that I used for my title) I left her in her big blue cushy chair to admire her shiny fingernails. Before leaving, I carefully tucked in a throw blanket over her legs and feet. I asked, “How does that feel, Addie?” In response, she looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said, “Mo’ better!” (Yes, she is 86-years old and 100% Caucasian. And yes, she said it in the ghetto gangster accent that you are imagining.)
*Names are always changed for privacy protection.